Facing the Hardest Choices
In military life, tough choices are part of the territory. Some decisions dictate where we live, while others separate us from the people we love most.
Over the years, my family has faced both kinds:
- Moving away from places we loved to further my husband’s career.
- Living apart for long stretches of time to keep some sense of stability for our kids.
No matter how many times we do it, the decisions never get easier.
When It’s Truly a Lose-Lose Decision
Let’s rewind to one of our hardest “lose-lose” decisions.
When my husband graduated with his undergrad in 2011, he earned a military incentive: free tuition for a master’s degree at any university of his choice (thanks to a STEM degree and high GPA). In 2020, he took that opportunity at Duke University for a master’s in civil engineering. He finished in 2022—an accomplishment we were so proud of.
But then came the catch.
Shortly after graduation, he received orders for a one-year military school at Fort Leavenworth, Kansas—completely out of left field, as we were supposed to stay in NC. We were allowed to move with him, but just a year earlier, we’d purchased a brand-new home, which made the decision both emotionally and financially gut-wrenching.
But here’s what it boiled down to:
Option 1: Uproot the kids for just one year (supposedly coming right back to NC)—pulling them out of schools and sports where they were thriving—while taking a financial hit on the house we’d just bought.
Option 2: Stay put and let my husband go alone.
Neither option felt good—both were lose-lose decisions with an immense amount of sacrifice. But in the end, we chose stability —for the kids, sports, school, and yes, for financial sanity. So, we stayed, and he went.
The Consequences of Impossible Decisions
Lose-lose decisions always leave a mark…
That year apart strained our marriage and our kids learned to live without their dad, relying more on me. To this day, they’re more independent than I ever expected, which is both a strength and a heartbreak.
And here’s the kicker—we didn’t even have all the facts..
He was supposed to return to North Carolina after that one year school. Instead, the Army PCS’d him to Fort Knox, and from there he deployed immediately to Poland. Had we uprooted everything, we would’ve bounced between three schools in two years, with no real home, stuck in places we didn’t want to live—all while he was in another country.
Sometimes you can’t win and you just have to survive the lose-lose decisions…
How to Make a Lose-Lose Decision:
So how do you face these impossible decisions? Here’s what I’ve learned:
- Clarify the stakes.
Ask: What’s the actual worst-case scenario is in each option? Sometimes one outcome is survivable, while the other has lasting damage. - Define your values.
Which choice aligns more with your core priorities—family, stability, finances, or mental peace? Even a painful decision feels lighter when it matches your values. - Consider long-term vs. short-term pain.
One choice might hurt now but pay off later. The other might bring temporary relief but long-term strain. Ask: Who can handle it better—present me or future me? - Flip the perspective.
If your best friend were in your shoes, what advice would you give them? Sometimes stepping outside of yourself makes things clearer. - Own the choice.
Once you decide, don’t live in the “what if.” Remind yourself: I made the best choice I could with the information I had at the time. - Remember—you can survive both.
Even in the “bad,” you adapt. Sometimes the hardest choices create the strongest resilience.
Final Thoughts…
Impossible decisions are part of life, especially in the military world. They’re never easy, and they always leave scars—but they also shape strength, independence, and perspective.
If you’re staring down a lose-lose choice, know this: you’re not alone. The decision may hurt, but you’ll make it through—and sometimes, the very path you dreaded—ends up being the right move in the end.
👉 Military spouses, I know I’m not alone in this—what impossible decision have you faced, and how did you get through it? Share in the comments—I’d love to hear your story.