I have spent more holidays alone than I can count.
And it wasn’t just the loneliness at times— it was also the constant, suffocating fear that someone might ring my doorbell to tell me my husband had been killed.
Welcome to being a military spouse during wartime… during the holidays.
🎄 A War-Time Christmas: My 2011 Reality
Nothing screams “Christmas spirit” like a full-fledged war happening in the Middle East.
Let’s rewind to Thanksgiving and Christmas of 2011.
I was five months pregnant with Hadrian.
Giana was a toddler — still barely sleeping through the night.
And Mike was deployed to Afghanistan.
We lived in Washington State, completely across the country from family. Flying home wasn’t an option. We were living solely on Mike’s income, and the decision was simple:
Buy Christmas presents for Giana…
or buy plane tickets home.
Presents won.
Those years were some of the darkest for military families — constant deployments, constant danger, and constant fear. That era shaped who I am today, for better and for worse.
And even though we’re not fighting a full-scale war in the Middle East right now, deployments haven’t gone away. They’ve just shifted to places like Poland, Korea, or South America.
Mike went to places like Iraq, Afghanistan, Somalia, and Niger.
None of them were friendly.
My experience as a spouse was… quite different.
Forgotten or Intentionally Left Out?
I’ve been part of military spouse Facebook groups for nearly fifteen years, and every holiday season the same heartbreaking theme shows up again and again:
The forgotten spouse.
When a soldier deploys, the spouse is left behind, often alone, often far from family, and often without the financial ability to go home. So we sit in unfamiliar towns, with unfamiliar faces, trying not to fall apart in the quiet.
And let me tell you:
The emptiness is real.
I came across a post in one of the online spouse groups recently, and for some reason, this one hit me differently and I want to share it with you.
A young woman in her early twenties wrote:
“Would you be hurt too?”
She explained that she had spent every Thanksgiving with her husband’s family since they married. She had no family of her own.
But this year, since her husband was deployed…
his family didn’t invite her for Thanksgiving.
So she spent Thanksgiving completely alone.
I could feel the heartbreak through the screen as she wondered if was even allowed to feel sad, questioning her hurt.
And instantly, I was transported back to a moment in time, when I’d realized my coworkers had thrown a Christmas party — and seemingly everyone from work was invited except me. But then again… I was the “sad, pathetic military spouse” whose husband was trying to stay alive in Somalia. Maybe they assumed I wouldn’t want to come. At least that’s what I told myself as I tried to push the heartbreak away…
As I scrolled, more spouses chimed in with stories of being forgotten, dismissed, or overlooked. That’s when it hit me:
It wasn’t just her.
It wasn’t just me.
It wasn’t a handful of isolated stories.
It was an entire thread.
A pattern.
A community-sized heartbreak.
✨ The Quiet Truth About Deployment and the Holidays
Here’s the truth — the quiet truth most military spouses won’t say out loud:
Even if we do get invited to the Christmas party…
Even if we do manage to go home for the holidays…
Your heart still hurts.
You watch your family gathered together — your aunts, cousins, siblings, all with their partners beside them — and it hits hard. You really begin to realize just how alone you are.
A piece of your life is missing.
A piece of your family is missing.
And no amount of FaceTime on Christmas morning can fill the hole left behind.
You’re the one sitting quietly at the family gathering because you suddenly feel out of place among all the couples.
You’re the one trying to explain to your child why everyone else’s dad is there —
but theirs isn’t.
And no matter how strong you pretend to be…
It’s just hard!
🤍 What I’m Asking of You
With all the glittering lights, holiday sales, and endless cheer, it’s easy to forget the military spouses quietly bracing themselves through November and December.
So I’m asking this:
Don’t forget about us.
Even if you think we won’t come.
Even if you expect us to say, “no, thank you.”
Invite us anyway.
Because the invitation is love.
And the love is felt.
Don’t intentionally leave us out! What we are carrying is already so heavy. Rejection hurts. The scars last longer than you think.
Give us the space to decline…
but give us the love that says we matter.
🎁 Your Challenge:
If you know a military spouse whose husband or wife is deployed…
Invite them.
They won’t tell you they’re sad.
They won’t tell you they’re overwhelmed.
They won’t tell you they’re lonely.
They’ll just soldier on.
But believe me — every one of us who has been left behind feels the weight of it.
Even the smallest gesture can mean everything:
✔️ A plate of cookies
✔️ A warm homemade meal
✔️ A simple “thinking of you today” text
✔️ An invitation, even if they decline
These tiny acts become lifelines.
💛 Final Thoughts
The holidays can be magical, but they can also be deeply heartbreaking.
This season, remember the spouses who are quietly hurting…
quietly missing someone…
quietly surviving.
Your invitation — even if it’s turned down — might be the very thing that carries them through a long, lonely holiday season.
And if you’re a military spouse reading this…
I see you.
I am you.
I completely get it and you’re not alone!
Have a story or suggestion?
Drop it in the comment box below — let’s connect, let’s support each other, and let’s get through this season together!